Today, 13:11, Earth/Nessus
Guardians across the system are being encouraged to send their Jötunn brand toasters back to the Black Armory.
A massive recall effort is underway after the discovery that the popular Jötunn toaster, when used in close proximity with literally anything else, could produce temperatures far more intense than industry safety standards allow.
"The Jötunn brand toaster was never meant to reach temperatures roughly equivalent to the surface of the sun," said spokeswoman Ada-1, "nor were they designed for close-quarters combat with the enemies of humanity. To be honest, they're not designed to do anything other than toast bread, but everyone seemed to like the fireballs, so we just let that slide. But now it's just getting silly."
Written By Freelance Author
Dere Trivya
Editor's Note: If you own the Jötunn toaster, we do not recommend using it within melee range of boss-level enemies. We would certainly not recommend you submit videos of you doing this to our contact page.
No one reading this should test the allegations that the Jötunn is currently busted as hell, melting bosses like cotton candy in a monsoon.
Thank you for your discretion.
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